2.28.2006
[tuesday feb 28] Its early. Very early. Well really its not any earlier then a normal day that I go to work but obviously that is too early.A concept that has been discussed multiple times between Christina and I is the androgyny of people in their appearance. For example, if you watched American Idol this year there was a singer named Zach who undoubtably looked female, sounded female AND wore heels. He was male, stated multiple times his masculinity and laughed at the notion that he was feminine. Do these people not have friends that say to them "Dude, you look like a girl" or "honey, you're looking a touch manly today."
[thursday march 2]
I've been trying to get this post up forever and it just isn't happening. To continue with my previous bit, not only is there the mistaken gender issue but the complimenting. I know its because its awkward if you don't say anything but if you compliment something ugly it'll reappear. Now with a hair cut or like something permanent (i.e. tattoo) I can totally understand compliment to be polite, but be careful this could cause them to have another terrible hair cut, dye job, tattoo, peircing etc. Now when its clothing... such as "What a beautiful fur stole you have" ... when reality you are thinking "why have you draped a dead cat around yourself". Encouragement will make them wear it more often, that is something preventable and you don't want to be the friend of the girl/guy whose wearing a dead house pet right? ...
Anyways thats my superficial confused bit, otherwise life seems to be throwing me for a loop. Things aren't going the way I really want them to but its not as upsetting as I'd thought it would be. Its so hard to explain I tried earlier to Christina and she stared at me like I was an idiot for like 5 minutes (or a commercial break between American Idol) but I'll try again. Ever feel like your eyes look dead? Like if someone were too look at you and look into your eyes they would see nothing, just this vacant soulless void of emptiness? Yeah, I tried to explain and there was some failure lol. I don't know its been one of those numb moments, like everything is falling to shambles but its all insignificant in the long run. But it isn't, since for me the long run is non exsistant.
I'm in love with these two songs right now, The Spill Canvas "The Tide" and Neverending White Lights "The Grace". A line from the tide that speaks volumes "he can't understand, how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends. His mother whispers quietly" heaven's not a place you go when you die its that moment in life when you actually feel alive. So live for the moment. Take this advice, live by every word love is just a hoax so just forget everything thatr you have heard. Live for the moment now."
Perhaps if I just ramble for goodness knows how long I'll finally be able to express whats going on in my mind. I've never been good at vocalizing or writing my thoughts and making them into a coherent concept. I alck the eloquence I suppose to truly portray the thoughts that run through my mind.
Generally though I suppose I can surmise it with I've been sad. Really its so much more but the way life has turned out is not what I would want for anyone. Failure surrounds me, in friendship, work, school, goals and generally life. Not always mine mind you, but still it hardly makes the fact less demoralizing. There is actually a twinge of regret to watch my old friendships deteriorate the way they have, its not like its something I ever wanted but it is something that happened and I can't say I'm happy about it. Watching people fail out of school makes me wonder if that could happen to me and wonder why with so many they would enter life successful as can be only to throw it all away? Its perplexing and depressing that opportunities are wasted on people who can't appreciate it. With my current state occupation I look at what I'm doing, what I could be doing, what I want to be doing and I still find no answers. When will I ever figure out what I want to do with life? Something thats possible please.
I seem to be living in the past recently and its due time for me to step it up and move into the future.
On an entirely different note I've discovered a new band that I'm thoroughly enjoying - Jack's Mannequin, they use the term "fuck yeah" so casually in this laid back song. One Tree Hill you introduce me to such awesome music - i.e. Nada Surf. I Love it.
Random notes for myself...
I daresay that summarizes a lot. Other happy news, I've gone and bought Grey's Anatomy Season 1 and "I hope they serve beer in hell" from Chapters.ca and it should arrive in the near future :). w00t
# posted by Diana: 8:35 a.m. |