10.30.2005
Too live in the moment forever and never need to face consequences... How I wish that were available. I used to think that I never regret what I do, and that I only hated the public response. Now I think I anticipate the response, consider the worst course of action, pack it full of regret, and ensure that I will have a miserable following weeks.Misery loves company. That is me.
Can I even vocally express my true distaste for what they and I have done. The answer is obviously no so instead I laugh joke and pretend it rolls off my shoulders and it'll just be a funny story to tell when in reality I can barely look them in the eye any longer due to shame and fear.
I place way too much into what other people think of me and I despise when my carefully crafted image is shattered due to my own carelessness and desire to relish a fleeting moment of deluded happiness.
Now I wonder, better to live my life in mediocrity never altering my carefully constructed image or to immerse myself in true moments of life and be knee deep in regret and self hatred?
Too have the best of both worlds, how impossible.
# posted by Diana: 2:42 a.m. |