1.23.2005
Its just getting worse. I find it is so difficult to express myself, to others, to myself, in this blog. all in all I just can't express myself. I'm just wallowing in whatever a hole this may be and contemplating every possible alternative and every possible outcome and I don't even know what to say about it. This can't lead to a good thing and I can't help but feel more alone then ever right now.I suppose now is as good a time as any for me to accept that this is my blog and my personal space and whether or not other people read it is an entirely different story and really I don't care. So for people reading this realize that for this next section, this is MY space...
Life is shitty and I started cutting again... my general rule that I wait for the old scars to fade away before the next session just kinda flew out the window... I mean the ones from last term were pretty much gone but then I went and did it again today after I did it yesterday. Shame on me... hopefully I won't do it again tomorrow ... I've been told my left hand probably won't be that steady so I keep to using my right but it makes the arm sting a lot more especially since the razor has gone dull. I wish I could... would stop doing it but at the same time I don't since it works so well for coping and its all I know how to...other ways include toxins introduced to the body in large amounts. This upcoming exam is nagging too since it is not a happy notion in my mind set.. stupid Economics why don't I remember you examness and this means I need to actually attend econ lectures on both wednesday and friday whats up with that? Honestly.
Apparently its only 25 multiple choice questions which is very discomforting since 5 wrong means I'm down to an 80 and I will get over 5 wrong. At least I'll be out QUICK on friday.
Ivthink i'm jsutgoing to keep on typing and ignore the amount of work I actually need to do. Maybe if I just type for a long enough period of time what I'm really thinking will come out in these keys and i'l be able to read ahead and see what my mind is thinking. I am doing this all with my eyes closed so i'm really sorry if anything is spelt funny and if anything is incoherable. I miss the simplicity of home again and yet i don't. I need a haircut which would require me to return to the scarborough and i don't really want to do that since I don't know if my parents are still around although i think they are since mom called today... she would tell me if she was leaving to taiwan i think...although dad tends not to do that. i wish that people from home would jsut come up for a bit and then everything with the people here would just stop and life woud be good again. cuz you know what for a little while it was good and then the brain turned on and i couldn't shut it off again. and it has been on ever since. Lo said my idea of tylenol and vodka was a bad idea to make my brain be quiet and I suppose in the long run it is true. I don't even know if what I'm saying makes sense andi mean that in the past not now. what i say isn't even what i really feel maybe i'm just deluding myself into believing what i want to believe maybe i'm just going insane maybe i just want to be or do or i don't know. i miss people i miss a lot of people yet i don't since i was never really close with them. i never was good at letting people close to me i hate people knowing me and yet some people doand i'm a complete open book which i'm not or am i. there is so much crappy punctuation in this. i wish that i was simple that i was what i was and not what i am now i hate what i am now i hate everything that is me pretty much and yet i don't know why my experiences shaped who i am does that mean i hate my experiences my memories my choices? but i don't do i? i mean i lok back and smile cuz i do have good memories but then at the same time i have blocked out blurred and removed replaced and altered the bad ones into what i want them to be. its getting harder to cry like i feel like i want to or that i should and i can feel that kinda pain in your chest when you want to or are beginning to cry but its actually becoming difficult to have tears slide down my face and actually show emotion and expression. i don't even know what i want anymore i think i just want something someone maybe i just want what i used to have maybe i don't so many fucking maybes and none that actually make sense. whatever my hands are getting tired from this and i don't think my thoughts are even remotely rational and therefore i don't lknow quite exactly what is coming out of my fingers now so i think i'll just stop. maybe i'll just stop everything. maybe i'll just push my plan ahead of schedule. but i doubt it . i don't have the guts. so i guess for now i'm just going to stop typing and maybe go to sleep. or at least try.
i hate ... or do i
# posted by Diana: 1:22 a.m. |