1.12.2005
i'm so frutrated right now and i don't know for the life of me why i can't think striaght and I don't even know whats going through my head. btw my shift button isn't nice and i don't want to go back so sorry bout the lack of caps. anyways i don't know, i think i just hit a low point in my life since the weekend actually went well. and you know that isn't allowed.so yeah i miss home... but not really and i guess i don't know. i'm beginning to regret a lot of the actions i took or maybe not. i guess that the point is that now that we are university i've created this new found respect for people who work for their grades and don't just have them handed to them like we did. i mean i look back and i realized it was the people who didn't really get what they were doing and actually put the effort into understanding it and getting it and then earning that crazy high mark. props to you lot cuz its something i don't have.
on another note i wish people understood exactly what i thought and how i felt at all and any given time. cuz right now i'm just in this blah stage completely unable to express myself and i just don't know what to do... where are you i need you now and i don't know what to do. maybe i'll just write ... it'll get to you eventually right? and thats all that matters. maybe i don't know. i hate this. make it better for me? you always did before and now you aren't here anymore. i hate it. i think i'm crumbling inside again and you aren't here to hold up that wall anymore. but then you were never here really... i miss you
i don't know if i have ever missed anyone else. i used to miss my parents when they left for business for long periods of time but that stopped. i think i just accepted that people always leave but you never left and you were always there. the irony in the fact that i'm always bitching about missing a place like home or school...its not that same ... is it? but then again i think i might just be going insane
odd thing today started out good too well kinda i went to classes i did work i saw basketball i saw friends and yet here i am now wallowing in my room with this knot and pit in my stomach trying to make myself understand what is wrong with me but failing miserably.
i think in the end i'm just a very emotionally deficient and unstable person. I swear i have like 4 emotions and thats about it.. there's content, depressed, angry, upset. i just cycle through those there is no love, hate, happy, sad there is literally that stuff. i suck at emotion.
\-- kiss the sky---/----------heaven's tears rain down upon you-----------/
End Scene
# posted by Diana: 1:37 a.m. |